So recently, I’ve been having some breakdowns. 9 out of 10 of them are because I’m thinking about Momma. The most recent one was a few days ago in the morning before I went to work. As a side note, I’ve been obsessed & in love with 30 Seconds to Mars since they release “The Kill” years ago. Their recent music has been more directed to their fans & followers which makes it even more impactful. The other morning, I came across their most recent release “Do or Die” hit me in my heart & soul. The video opened with a fan talking about why he played this song at his Fathers funeral & why it meant so much to him.
In result of that, I of course started talking about Momma. Then I started thinking of all the things I’m accomplishing this year. I know one of my last posts ended with how proud Momma would be about me & everything I’ve accomplished.. But for some reason, I just really started to miss her being here & how much she’s actually missing! 😦 I couldn’t stop thinking about it & I backtracked to the days in the hospital when all I felt was bitter & how much I hated God for taking her away from us. I found myself sitting on the edge of the couch, staring into the tv screen listening to this song, imagining Momma & started to have an anxiety attack. Legs shaking uncontrollably, couldn’t catch my breathe, headache because I couldn’t breathe.. Matt was at work so I called Dad. He freaked a little when he heard how hard I was crying & pulled over because he was driving to Virginia. He told me these moments will come & go. In a way, it’s good to have them & he was glad I called him! He said as bad as it sounds, it’s good to have these breakdowns because it means Momma is still on my mind. That I don’t not think about her..
She’ll always be my Momma & she will NEVER leave me.. I just hate not having her. These waves of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks & honestly paralyze me. I feel bad for Matt because he has to witness them & there’s nothing he can do to help me. But he loves me so he does what he can ❤