When I was still working at the bank & I was forced to see a therapist due to my risk pregnancy, I was told to write letters to both my Momma & rainbow child due to my miscarriage. Because both losses were weighing heavily on me & I was having a couple complications, the therapist said ‘writing’ to them could potentially help that broken part of me..
Honestly, at the time, I thought he was crazy. “Why would I write a letter to my Mom!? It would just be full of pain & sadness. I want to go in the opposite direction!” Looking back now, I still think it’s weird because she’ll never read it but it is a little bit refreshing. I should have written when he told me because it was a period in my life when I was beginning to recover but wasn’t fully there. It’s now been 5 years & I’m nowhere near recovered but I’ve fully accepted it & am moving forward.
Because I do my best to be transparent, I’m going to share my letter to my Mom here on the 5 year anniversary of her passing. I have no idea what the tone of this will be. I don’t know if I’ll be writing it addressing she’s gone or acting like it never happened. Even though I talk about her openly, I don’t normally talk to her ABOUT her dying.. Apologies for the length.
If you would have told me 6 years ago that in 2017, I’d be sitting at my desk in WA state, with an almost 8-month-old at my feet, a phenomenal husband & an established, comfortable life, I would have laughed & considered this a dream. The last time you saw me, I had JUST gotten weird, gold highlights in my hair, was working 2 jobs to maintain rent & honestly, was a mess.
I specifically remember the night everything happened. That night at work was ABC night so I was walking around in a Twister floormat (facepalm) with my server belt holding it up. I remember checking my phone & having multiple missed phone calls & voicemails from Paige & Dad. Checked one voicemail from Dad & I could hear the difference. What he said is a blur but I remember him saying he had booked Paige & I flights out to him in a few hours because we had to be there. I remember telling my boss & just walking out of the building in shock. I remember Paige & I taking a picture in the airport smiling because we, for whatever reason, forgot what we were flying for. Maybe because we remembered why we love flying together. I remember getting to the hospital, seeing Dad & another couple that I guess you guys were friends with. They tried to explain how they knew you & what happened but I couldn’t really grasp it. I immediately thought of the last time you had a heart attack when the 3 of us were out for a spa day. In the hospital, they wouldn’t let Paige see you because of the tubes you had in your mouth but I could see. I was bracing myself to see that again. But you were already gone by the time we got there.. The tube was in your mouth. The side of your head was shaved. The left side of your face had dropped. They said you could still hear us but at the moment, I lost faith in everything. How could you, the best person I knew & someone everyone adored be taken like this!? How did you deserve this!? You didn’t. We didn’t.
Recovering was hard. That’s an understatement. Up until having Jackson, I was still having random breakdowns realizing you two would never meet. I’m currently living in a world where you don’t know each other & it destroys me every day. Can you even begin to realize the pain I feel when I say “Grandma” & I’m not talking about you? It’s like a nightmare I’ll never wake from.
And for years, I stayed in that sad, depressing, ‘hate the world’ mindset. I couldn’t see the bigger picture. Losing you is the biggest loss of my life but it prepared me. It showed I’m capable of starting over. I could recover from a miscarriage. From life’s disappointments, terrible people & to find that silver lining. For years, I still looked at your death in a negative light but I’ve started to see the positives.
Remember how I hated God for taking you? I learned my biggest lesson in faith. I wish you could have met Matt. I’m married, Momma! & he’s perfect for me. He puts up with my stubborn self & grounds me like no other. You would have loved him & I feel like you passing when you did & me moving when I did was ‘permission’. Like you saw my future & approved of him. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself all these years.
& then to become a Mom myself without you – a Motherless Daughter. It stings even more because Jackson is such a great kid, Mom. He’s everything I could have dreamed & I wish more than anything you could be here to experience Motherhood with me. & in a sense, I know you are. You’re in those AHA! moments where the answer just comes to me. I know it’s you.
Everyone else is doing fine. Dad is moving forward & I’m learning to as well. Paige & Auntie Barbara still have their difficulties but we’re all just trying to figure out life without you.
So many times, I wish you were physically here. When started my design internship & got each of my design jobs. When I got married & ESPECIALLY when Jackson came into my life. But then I remember that you are here. In the way I Mother, in the way I speak to new people, etc..
I know you weren’t ever really a fan of my tattoos but you just grew to accept them because they were me but I got one for you – DUH. I specifically wanted it to be done for the 5-year anniversary. I also guess it’s become an unspoken thing we have for you as well? We all know how significant the cherry blossom festival was to you every year so that’s what we have for you. & because I’m not crazy about color on myself, I got it in black & gray except one flower in the front. It’s colored in & it represents you, Mom.
Bottom line, I miss you. All the time. Everyday. I can’t say I miss you enough & I can’t wait to see you again. I love you.”