FIRST THINGS FIRST
I plan on getting REAL in this entry. Like all-about-sex real & if you’re not comfortable reading about it or my personal experience, I suggest you close this tab & continue along with your day. I will not be held responsible for you getting uncomfortable because I spoke about my vagina 🙂
The most iconic countdown after giving birth is the infamous 6-week appointment. Lord, have mercy that check-up. Personally, I was looking forward to it to get the GREEN LIGHT for working out but Matt was excited for the GREEN LIGHT for sex. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had the itch for it as well but for whatever reason, was still kind of hoping for a RED LIGHT (I explain further along). DON’T GET ME WRONG – my husband is what dreams are made of. In case you don’t know what he looks like, HERE YOU GO! I’m still very much attracted to my male model, real life husband & love him dearly. So much to the point, we procreated! But let’s’ start there.
Sex during pregnancy is tricky – both emotionally & physically. I enjoyed my pregnancy & we were still having sex up until maybe 2 weeks before Jackson came Earthside. Again, libido fully intact & we were GOOOOOD. But other than a handful of times, sex was still on the table. I wasn’t one of those pregnant women that suddenly gets a rush of hormones & am constantly horny (it’s not promised for everyone) but sex also wasn’t something I dreaded. However, we did have some road blocks, if you will. I was put on pelvic rest a few times (no lifting or sex for 2 weeks) & was rushed to the ER after my labia was ripped open during sex (you read that right – ripped open during sex -_-). You can imagine, that obviously stopped us in the moment but there are lingering effects on me.. Effects that I didn’t even know were there until much later.
I thought I’d just be mentally fucked up after J came about & destroyed my lady-bits but it’s definitely more than that & I wasn’t prepared haha. Like a majority of women, I tore. Not terribly but enough to needs stitches & have more ‘changes’ down South (honestly, the healing was worse than the birth itself). Then the infamous 6-week mark came around & I, again, was NOT ready. It really speaks to the idea that this marker designates when everything is supposed to go back to normal & it’s just not the case. I was still so emotionally raw & exhausted, not to mention my body was STILL healing from pushing a watermelon out my key hole. When my OB checked me, it felt like his entire arm was inside rather than a few fingers. In my mind, I was thinking “this will be a breeze considering what just came out 6 weeks ago. No issues.” WRONG. Everything was tighter AND I could feel where I was stitched / where it was pulling. I received the green light but still felt so incredibly uncomfortable. When I told Matt we were good to go but I didn’t want to yet, I felt so terrible & insecure – like I wasn’t fulfilling the next step to being a PostPartum wife. I was drained & had terrible back pain from constant feeding every couple hours. My body had changed so much (I barely recognized it & I knew this would happen) & I didn’t find myself as attractive as before (I have a standard for myself. No one else set it). Sex was the last thing on my mind & if it ever did resurface, I tried to push it away.
We waited another week, I think. I was constantly torn between making Matt happy because poor dude hadn’t gotten any love in a couple months. He was pretty consistent though LOL. If you’ve had any conversation with Matt about anything remotely sexual, you know he makes the corniest ‘jokes’ & I’ll tell you, that’s also his flirting game as well. & I love him for it!! So 7 weeks after, we did it. & it was TERRIBLE! This is so important to say because I don’t think anyone told me this before – sex is not the same. It helped EXPONENTIALLY that Matt & I had already developed an incredible friendship & are able to openly talk & explain things in general. Had we not already developed this kind of relationship, postpartum sex would have been 10x worse. He knew this would be a physical & emotional struggle for me so he worked with me – BLESS THIS MAN! When I said stop, he stopped. There was barely any pleasure on my end – it honestly felt like I was losing my virginity all over again & it was awful.
So here’s some technical information as far as PostPartum reactions & why:
– When you breastfeed, your body produces hormones that turn your sexual drive down & just overall make it harder for your body to be turned on – awesome. So in my head, re-activating my sex life was about to become ANOTHER check box on my monthly goals list. & honestly, this wasn’t the most important thing on my list – I didn’t even write it out because it didn’t seem so important to me. I had legit other priorities like try to shower everyday & not to mention my new job I started. I just wasn’t interested.
– Physical issues that can put sexy time on pause for you would be sleep deprivation, knowing your LO will wake up at the most inconvenient time with a full diaper & empty tummy, the constant smell of spit up & dirty diapers, burp cloths everywhere – bring on the sex, AMIRITE!? Also, did you shower today? *thinks to self – what day is it?* DROOOOL
& that was a mistake. I can admit when I’m wrong. As terrible as it sounds, it does need to be scheduled. We’ve discussed it & obviously, we both want it. However, things are different. Yes, there’s the expectation to hop back into things after 6 weeks but it doesn’t need to happen all so quickly. Baby steps. Your partner may not be the happiest but it’s your turn to be selfish. You just shared your body for 9+ months making you bundle of joy & are still sharing it with them. I don’t want to say “Hold off on sex until you’re really ready” because you may never be really ready! But also because it will ease SO much of the tension that will build between you & your partner. TRUST ME! When you find yourself nit picking & just harping on your boo because the floor is on the floor, you need to get laid. Everyone wins in the scenario.
I’ve read it can take up to a full year to get ‘back to normal’ & I’m not gonna lie – that’s kind of terrifying. A whole 365 days of uncomfortable, awkward intercourse with the love of my life during the times my nugget is napping or with the babysitter. #FirstTimeMom #Parenthood But it’s already been almost 4 months for us so it kind of flies by..
What I’m trying to say is it’s totally normal to have mixed feelings about sex after welcoming a baby to the world. Want to get it on right at the 6-week mark? GET IT, GIRL! Want to wait a little bit longer? DO YOU, BOO! Much like pregnancies, everyone’s experience is different. What helped me most was to talk to Matt about it all (finally -_-)
Below are my tips for my Mommas when they decide it’s time-
There are obvious hurdles when it comes to getting back in the sack but honestly, I feel this one is the biggest one & needs to be handled first. You’re going through all this stuff in your head but you HAVE to voice it to your partner. I know with Matt, he needs cold hard facts – ‘no libido’ just isn’t enough. & honestly, it helps me dig deeper & really understand why this is happening. But whether it be a conversation saying ‘yes, I’m ready’ or ‘SLOW. YOUR. ROLL!’ the conversation needs to exist.
ALSO when you make it back into bed, YOU be the driver. You know what hurts & what feels good, but your partner doesn’t. Stop, keep going, slower, faster – girl, that’s ALL YOU. At this point, it’s not about pleasure. It’s just making the action.
Lack of normal hormones will leave you a little parched so don’t be shy on lube. WATER DOES NOT COUNT! We used coconut oil because it’s nourishing to my area as well. Again, be as heavy handed as you wish. Trust me.
Have a glass of wine. Take a relaxing, warm bath. Have your partner give you a massage (wherever you choose). You’re about to pretty much lose your virginity all over again. You need to be as relaxed as possible.
I don’t know about you but 99% of the time, I feel incredible after working out. My endorphins are flowing plus I normally have a solid ‘pump’ going on so I feel some kind of gorgeous. Recently, Matt’s chances skyrocket after a circuit & he knows that 😉
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
Just reminding you how awesome you are for CREATING LIFE. You did something remarkable. You should remember that & embrace that confidence & power. Sex is so small considering what you’ve already accomplished 🙂